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Hello my old friend

Photo by Hush Naidoo on Unsplash  

 Friday evening coffee with a friend = a decision to drop by the Blood Donation Clinic first.
They called to say they were in town.
Having missed the call, I forgot the message.
Until the evening rolled around.
I messaged my friend.

"Should we do our civic duty 
and go give blood before coffee?""My mother is telling me not to be a wuss... so I guess I have to..."

After arriving, we have to answer quite a few interesting questions to confirm eligibility.
Next step, they test your hemoglobin levels.
To be eligible to donate, your blood must read 125 & over.
'Prick'
My finger now flowing just enough for them to take and test.
124.
An option to test the other hand.
But they must collect enough for two readings.
Both readings must be 125+
127
120

Not able to donate.
Leaving the cubicle, hands empty, my friend's eyes take note, register the fact I am without my collection tubing & bag and her face says it all.
We both bust out laughing at the irony of my low iron... 
(don't worry I am still healthy)

So, I am now the supportive friend, sitting beside her saying 'it will be okay', as she donates blood for the first time.

While I don't.

I learned something from my weekend.
This was just the beginning of a weekend filled with disappointment.
Plans foiled, hopes dashed.
But I was very aware that I could either posture my heart to learn a lesson, or wallow in the place of disappointment.

Bring on the lesson.
Even in my choice of 'lesson' something became very evident.
I am not who I was.

Old places.
Familiar faces. 

New me.
My response was vastly different from the girl who left 5 years ago.
And if feels both strange and comforting.
Sure I was disappointed.
I was really keen to help with a blood shortage issue.
I had to overcome the memory of the failed attempt the last time, that left my arm bruised, heavy and in pain for days.
That had never happened before, but was enough to make me hesitant to go again.


I offered what I had.
But I wasn't in a position to give.
No matter how much my heart was in it.
My levels were the deciding factor and I couldn't change that.
Try again in 80 something days, they encouraged me, after advising I eat more iron rich food and remember to take my iron supplement pills.

Initially I felt guilty.
I'll own that.
Failing to be of help, being deficient enough that I was made useless in an effort of giving.


I think sometimes we can find ourselves wanting to be supportive, available and functional to be of service to others. 
Sometimes though, even if our heart is ready, things may be telling us, not yet. A little more time.
This can feel both frustrating and disapointing.

Still waiting.
After working though things and towards the goals and vision we feel called to.
What happens when waiting is our continued reality?
Does hope comfort us in the waiting?

Or does disappointment discourage us?
Why is it for some, things happen without hesitation, waiting or deficiency?


But as I am reminded, we can't be looking from side to side living a life of comparison.
As a trusted friend once said, comparison is the beginning of inferiority.
This has been the most gentle and strong reminder to me, time and time again.

It's okay to feel disappointed.
But it's what happens after we are disappointed, the condition it leaves our heart is what matters.

Waiting.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is posture our heart to learn in the waiting.
To be strengthened, gain maturity, wisdom & knowledge.
For our timing is never our own.
It can feel wasteful, frustrating, and vulnerable to be possibly seen as weak, inefficient and ineffective.
When our accomplishments and efforts help give us value by being seen, we can forget that the outside doesn't always match the inside. 
Sometimes we need to do the hard work of building up our 'iron' levels, even if we feel that's what we have been doing. 
We may need to do a little bit more and there should be no shame in that. 
So when the time of giving comes back around, we are ready, healthy and strong. 

"But while I'm waiting, I'm not waiting, I know heaven lives in me"- Hillsong Worship, 'As it is (In Heaven)'

Psalm 27:13&14

I remain confident in this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. 

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